June 30th, 2004

mckay: don't let the stars get in your e

(wannabe) writer's rant

About a month or so ago, I woke up at two in the middle of the night, grabbed my trusted Visor and started scribbling what I had just seen in my dream. These two paragraphs are haunting me since then. I like them, I want to write more based on them but...

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::grabs Jack!Muse in a chokehold:: For weeks now I'm trying to figure out what happened. WTF did you say to him?! Why say it in the first place if you didn't really mean it you... you... bastard? Was it so important to hurt him? Why did he react so badly to it? Why were you so fucking stricken by his reaction? That's what you wanted, a reaction, right? ::tightens chokehold:: RIGHT?
Damn it! For once in my life, is it too much to ask for a fucking plot when I write? I never have a plot. All I have are these noncontinuous images, thrown out of order with no apparent logical sequence. Feelings, images, words, situations that never sum up. Never enough for a story, not even a drabble!

And Jack.. Well, Jack just won't shut up in my head. He keeps showing me what he wants and he can't have. Daniel.

But I can't write Daniel, not even if my life depended on it. It doesn't take much to figure out why I can't do it. It's not his intelligence that intimidates me, it's the educated side of Daniel that leaves me dumbfounded. It's impossible for me to pass what I put in writing for Daniel-speak. I don't have the vocabulary, I don't have the grammar, I don't have the education, the schooling to write Daniel. How can you write the voice of a linguist when you can't write proper enough english to save your farking life? I go ballistic when writers don't see he is so much more than a guy who can say 'fuck' in 23 languages. Sure, I can get away with it when it comes to Jack; he's deliberately using small words, playing dumb for the crowds, hiding the brainy part of his personality on purpose. Nothing to see here folks, just your average dumb-ass fly-boy, move along, move along. Jack is way smarter than he lets people see on a regular basis and yet I can pin down his mental 'voice' like it's my own. Or so I'd like to think ::winces:: And even then I'm in trouble, since because of RDA, O'Neill's brainfarts are more grammatically correct than it should be legal for US military.

I guess that's why so far I was only making lj icons. I've given it some thought and I've come to realise that most of my icons tell a little story; a joke, an emotion that can't be spoken aloud. Lately icons are not enough either. The stories I'm trying to make them say are becoming too big for one frame, text is so long they HAVE to be animated and even then the 40k limit is driving me up the walls quality-wise. ::headdesks::

I could go on like this all night but I'm dead tired (RL and health problems but that I'll save for a non-fandom entry). Fact is I shouldn't even be up at this ungodly hour on a work-night but what can I say: I take my OTP seriously.