28 August 2004 @ 06:15 pm
creative frustrations  
Someone in my reading list whose work I worship, challenged in a locked post the writers in her reading list to write her a story in a specific setting. I know for a fact I wasn't among the challenged but an image I had in my mind this last week came into focus, obtaining texture, space and light and, oh dear god... I began writing.

Problem now is that three and a half days later, the little monster has outgrown the one and a half page I thought it would be, pushing three and still going, and it's scaring the shit out of me. I've never written anything that long and it comes easily enough --close to a page a day-- that I'm beginning to suspect it will be the worst crap I've ever come up with when I'm done writing. I'm trying to reassure myself that it is because of all those images I've been holding inside finally finding an outlet, but clearly it's not working. Writing doesn't come natural to me, never has; I have to slave and bleed for it and that's a concrete fact I had to come to terms with a long time ago. And that's where I panic.

Why can't I be happy that, even if the outcome is not up to the requestor's expectations, for the first time I'm writing something with a beginning, a middle and an end? A story that I know in advance how it's going to play out and why? Why am I beating myself for finally having an inspiration and running with it?

::pulls hair in frustration::
Tags: ,
i'm feeling: intimidatedintimidated
background noise: Evanescence - My Immortal
Elaynaelayna88 on August 28th, 2004 04:46 pm (UTC)
Yes why are you? Write and love your writing, it's the most glorious satisfying feeling in the world. And don't worry about whether you've satisfied the original request. If the person you admire is really worthy of being admired as a person, she'll be thrilled that you had joy in creating, not peevish that it didn't match her precise criteria. And I can't believe it'll be crap if you're feeling that inspired. You go girl!
Ishi-No Kokoro: support all marriagesqueenofstars on August 30th, 2004 02:31 pm (UTC)
is this what writers call 'meta'?
Oh sweet Force, is that what I said? My use of the language is worse that I thought then. ::hides face:: Thing is, I'm not as worried that I won't please her as I'm scared I won't be good enough for me; my taste, my standards, you know? A sense of 'what the hell gives me the right to judge the work of others when I can't tell what my writing's worth?' From her rec's of other writers' stories I can tell our taste in Stargate is similar and I guess that's why --subconsciously-- I was comparing my standards to hers. If I like what I wrote and she don't, I'm throwing away my keyboard and that's it. I trust her judgement better than mine.

I wish I could trust those who will read it to be honest in their reaction. People on the net are tip-toeing around each other, patting each other's backs, 'oh , that was soooo good' even when it's just hot air. I don't want to be pampered, I don't want my feelings spared, I don't want to be lied to. If it stinks, for the love of Jack, say it! Lying to me won't help me get better, it will only turn me into another Marcia or Pepe or Biblio; blowing air out of my @$$ and people telling me it smells like roses. And after 7 years into fandom, for the first time I realise that this fear is what has kept me all these years from finishing anything.

Fandom's lack of honesty.


I will finish this even if it kills me.

What you said about writing being the most glorious satisfying feeling in the world? I couldn't have said better myself. It's better than any crack the world can come up with; better than chocolate; better than coffee; better than sex. For almost a week now I'm flying and I don't want my feet to touch the ground ever again. =) Hooooeeee!

Thank you for the vote of confidence, I didn't even know I needed it. You've given me a lot to think about these past few days. And t'is good to see you're still around here. =)
Kres: bluekres on November 5th, 2004 03:16 pm (UTC)

I know it's a pretty old post of yours, and I wonder if you ever finished that SG-1 thing you were working on. You talk about honesty in fandom, and when I read it, it's like looking into a mirror :)=

From the sample you posted lately I figured I'd really like to see more of it, so:

I'd love to beta for you - that is, if you need a beta and if you're interested. I'm merciless at cutting fics into little pieces, and I won't mention any roses :)= Only if it's really roses :)=

As for references, I posted two fics in SG-1 fandom so far, and they're at area 52, under Kres, if you want to see what you'd be getting into (it's safer to start with Scars, if you decide to drop by).

Oh, and English is not my first language (which you can probably see anyway).

So? *bats eyelashes*
Ishi-No Kokoro: daniel: inner megalomaniacqueenofstars on November 10th, 2004 07:20 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry for not replying sooner, I almost missed the e-mail notification for the comment. It was buried under a week's worth of email from Thalassa's group... =\ (note-to-self: must find strength to un-sub...)

Being Greek and weird and all, I'll start backwards...

I'd love to beta for you - that is, if you need a beta and if you're interested.

Yes! PLEASE! =)

I'll be in your debt if you beta for me. =) The sentence I posted for the meme, is indeed from the same story I moan about in this entry. A few days after I posted the above, Real!Life went haywire for two months or so and only recently I've managed to squeeze a couple of hours for writing and Stargate fandom in general. So it will be a while before a first draft is finished. Right now I'm re-writing the first part to correct timing errors and continuity and then I have to go through 3 pages of various notes/thoughts/half written sentences, for the rest of it... Ok, I'm babbling.

Just so you know what you're getting yourself into ;) maybe you'd like to read what I've finished so far --if you haven't already. I won't be offended if you run screaming; I'm expecting you to. My only attempts until now have been 5 drabbles, 2 SG-1 and 3 X-Men (linked from my userinfo). Perhaps not the best I can do, but I believe them to be fairly decent examples of how many screws I'm missing my mind works.

You on the other hand, don't need introductions.
I'm ashamed to admit I don't need to go back to read your stories because I have already read them; 'Scars' from your journal when troyswann mentioned it; 'Congealed' from Area 52 because I recognised your name. I say ashamed because one of my regrets these past two months was not having the time to give proper feedback to some of the best stories that I've read so far in this fandom and 'Scars' was among them. Though 'Congealed' is powerful too and deliciously dark, 'Scars' was the one that broke me in all the right places... *sigh*

Oh, and English is not my first language
I wouldn't have noticed if you hadn't said anything. I, on the other hand, am minefield of errors waiting to happen. Can't seem to be able to shake off the Greek in me. =)

So... welcome to my insanity! =D Just curious, how did you find me anyway? =)
Kres: bluekres on November 10th, 2004 07:54 pm (UTC)
*starting at the end, so we're even*

Well, I guess it's typical for an LJ, but I got a link to your first lines from someone on my flist. Been trying to find it, went back like a hundred of entries, but couldn't locate it. [Danvers, maybe?]

Am still blushing. Glad you liked Scars. Glad you tolerated Congealed [knew that one would be a punch, btw, so I had quite a delay posting].

As for the errors, well, I won't be finding many in your stories, so you'll need a native to beta, just in case.

I'm glad you'd like me to beta at all, and I'll be waiting for the story impatiently.

*starts tapping foot*

Be prepared that I'll probably break it into little pieces :)=

I read your drabbles, too, and I even remember reading the one with Siler somewhere, don't remember where, though. Maybe on stargate100... I liked them, and that makes me want to beta your stories even more :)=

Right now I'm re-writing the first part to correct timing errors and continuity and then I have to go through 3 pages of various notes/thoughts/half written sentences, for the rest of it... Ok, I'm babbling.

Heh, nope, you're not babbling - some call it the CREATIVE PROCESS, and looks EXACTLY the same in my case :)=

Glad to hear from you :)=

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